What's Elvish For Stalker?
by Jaded Scorpio
Summary: Legolas arrives in Rivendell, only to be attacked by the most hated creature in Arda, a Mary Sue. Can Elrond and the Fellowship save him?


What's Elvish for Stalker? 

A Lord of the Rings fanfiction parody

By Jade Scorpio

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A Quick Note: This was mouldering on my hard drive for a long time, this is only the first chapter, but who knows when I will get the kick in the pants to write the rest. This stands pretty well on it's own.

Be sure to read the endnotes, I don't want to spoil the surprise in the story by posting it here, but it explains the amusing scenario behind the names.

Disclaimer: Not mine, I'm just playing with them. I also lay no claim to the MS. 

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"Halt! Who goes there?"  
  
Legolas stopped. "I am seeking the House of Elrond. I bear messages from the King of Greenwood."  
  
One of the sentries came forth and examined the seal on the scroll he held out. The message was not for Elrond himself, but Elrond would know where Gandalf or Aragorn would be more than anyone else, and was one of few he could trust with this information.  
  
"Do you hear something?"  
  
"No."  
  
Legolas spun around, straining to pinpoint the sound. "It sounds like some sort of insect, only much increased in volume."  
  
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
The Elves covered their ears, frozen in horror as something attached itself to Legolas' leg. The sudden attack made him surge to life and he yelled, hopping in circles, "AHHH!!!! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!"  
  
The sentries tried to come to his aid, but to no avail. Neither could bear the high-pitched shrieking of the thing for long, nor pry it's tentacles from him.  
  
"EEEE!! LEGGY!!!! YOU'RE SO CUTE EEEEEEEEE!!!!111!!"  
  
"Tis no use. Once they get their tentacles in them, little can get them off."  
  
"Is there no hope then?" Legolas' voice wavered as he stumbled with the Thing on his leg.  
  
"Perhaps our lord could cure you. For Elrond is a master of healing."  
  
Thus the sentry helped Legolas to the House of Elrond while the other stayed behind to guard the road, his eyes wide and fearful. The creatures of shadow were fearsome indeed, he thought. The vale echoed long with the creature's shrieking cries.  


Frodo sat on the veranda thinking. He had hoped that everything would be all right after he got the Ring to Rivendell, but now he wasn't so sure. "Ah, what a time I've had. Chased by black riders, barrow-wrights, more black riders—I must be wearing Ode to the Undead. Wandering the wild downwind from Strider, missed meals, stabbed by a Morgul blade, and then I—I---got to sit on Glorfindel's lap!"  
  
He stood up as the realization struck him. "Go me! I could feel everything though those thin breeches of his, as he was running his hand over my chest. Course, in a purely medical way," he snickered. "Maybe I'll seek out Merry and Pip and rub it in! I haven't felt this cheery in days! Glorfindel's lap!"  


"I swear, these things fall from the sky! More and more everyday we find, attaching themselves to hapless Elves and any innocent nearby."  
  
"Can you not remove it?" Legolas looked from Elrond to Gandalf.  
  
"It is very difficult. Once they get their hooks in someone, it is almost impossible," Gandalf said gravely.  
  
Elrond stroked his chin, keeping what he hoped was a safe distance. Gandalf sat near Legolas, with the Thing that was braiding locks of his hair as they spoke, without loosing it's death grip. Gandalf had no fear of it. He was one of the few that seemed to be immune. The beast did not seem to even know the wizard was there.  
  
"Can't you think of anything? It keeps moving higher. I fear it will soon strangle me."  
  
Elrond frowned. "The most success we have had is with convincing the creature to attach itself to another. Of course, that just leaves that person in the same predicament as the first."  
  
Unfortunately for him, the newly-recovered Frodo chose that moment to walk by. "SHREEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIKKKKKKKK!!!" The thing dropped the Sindar and bowled over Elrond, glomping onto the poor hobbit.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh! Help!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh Frodo!! YOU'RE SOOOO CUUUUUUTTTTTTEEEEEEE!!!!111!"  
  
"Help! Lord Elrond! What is this beast?"  
  
Elrond growled, pulling his hair. "It is a terrible and most hated creature. Of all the Elf-Banes, it is the most persistent. It is a Mary-Sue."  
  
"EUUUUUUU!!!!! YOU ARE SOOOO MEEEAAAAAANNN!!!! MY NAME ISN'T MARY SUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!1111!!"  
  
"Tis classic," Gandalf chuckled.  
  
"Must you shout?" Elrond rubbed his temples. This was the fourth case this week, and his nerves were shot. Dark lords he could handle, but this? This was unholy.  
  
"My name is not Mary Sue!" it continued, it's feverish blue/violet/green/gold-flecked in one and silver in the other eyes scanning the room. "It's Aereoulaurielwengaladlas!"  
  
"What?" was the collective response.  
  
"But most people call me Areola." The people in my head that I made up anyway.  
  
"But isn't that---" Legolas was cut off.  
  
"It's the name that my people call the Northern Lights. You would probably call them the shifting colored veil of heavens that raineth downeth."  
  
"But that's an Aurora-----"  
  
"Areola!" the thing persisted.  
  
"But isn't---"

"IT'S AREOLA!" it shrieked, "I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU DON KNOW ANYTHING!!!!!!!!111111111!!!!!!!" She stomped her feet and flailed her free arm, her face beet red.

"But isn't---"  
  
"Yes Legolas, it is." Elrond sighed. "Don't even bother trying to argue with it. It will only throw a tantrum and make things worse for us."  
  
"What do you consider a tantrum?"  
  
"Ooh Frodo, you're so cuddly. Isn't he cuddly Leggy?" She picked up Frodo and started towards the poor Elf again. Legolas grabbed a spear from the wall to ward her off.  
  
"I'm not cuddly!" protested Frodo. "I'm fifty years old for crying out loud."  
  
"By the Stars, Legolas, put down that spear before you hurt someone."  
  
"That's the point."  
  
"Mar---Lady," Elrond choked on the words. "You must be tired from your travels. Would you not like a hot bath? And mayhap the ladies of my house could find some garments fitting for your..uh...unique beauty."  
  
The Mary Sue suddenly looked very weary. "Yes. I would like that. I am very tired." Gandalf, using the wood elf and hobbit as bait, led the thing away to an empty room.  
  
"Another one of these cursed monsters! They will be the end of me!" Elrond tore at his hair in frustration. Grimacing, he stole a glance in the mirror. He really ought to stop doing that, he was starting to look a little thin on top.   
  
Merry stood with Pippin in the hall, eating an apple, where they'd viewed the whole spectacle. "Hey Pip, what's Elvish for stalker?"  


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End Note: I had to change the MS's original name, because when I did a search on ff.net, there were four fics with MSs using that name, and with different authors!

Her um, unusual nickname, and the argument about it actually happened, there was a huge to-do on a message board with people trying to politely tell this girl what her choice of monikers meant, and her insane rage that they would tell her she had it wrong. She was supremely embarassed months later when she discovered her mistake, but posted several messages to the effect of "Why didn't anyone tell me! You must all hate me to let me make a fool of myself like that!" We did dear, there were about sixty comments of people trying to tell you. Silly bint.


End file.
